Life after Loss?

Hmmm…what does that even look like really? I have no doubt my father’s loss will be with me forever, as it should be, but I’m struggling with what that looks like. The numbness is present most of the time but when it cracks I cannot stop the flow of tears and the guilt ridden thoughts filled with endless “could have, should have, would have’s”. This is “normal” or so I’ve been told and read but I feel very different after the loss of the central person in my family. The person that had my back 99.5% of the time, was endlessly proud of me for all that I’ve done, had the best stories, was the best euchre partner and understood me better than anyone. Life after loss seems unnerving at best at this point. Today being the one month marker since he finally felt some peace. I’m distancing myself from my friends and some family, unintentionally, but what is there to say that won’t make them uncomfortable. This death is so much of who I am in this moment, aside from work, what else is there to talk about. I don’t want to keep lying to people when they do reach out and ask how I am, because I’m not fine as I keep saying. Now that we are finally back home after a month and a half in Michigan I’m getting a better idea of how I really am. And I know this grief is most likely too big for just me to handle. And knowing that is a huge step. So I’ve ordered a book that I think may give me some better perspective and help me see outside of “this”. Because I want to have a life after this loss, not just for me, but for my Dad. Just going to need a little assistance to get there. I will start with the literature but if more help is needed…I know where to look. Thank you to all that have had me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. Gratitude doesn’t begin express my feelings for each of you.