Looking back with gratitude

To say I was a late bloomer with a lot of things growing up wouldn’t be a stretch. I had no interest in chasing after boys (or girls) with my friends in middle school. I was the last one to start my period (14 ½ in case you were wondering). Last one to get a training bra. But to be fair, my mom basically bought me one as a courtesy so I didn’t feel left out and not because I needed one. And for the record, I’m still waiting for the “ladies” to fully grow in LOL.

But then with other milestones I was ahead of the game. I was an avid reader and ended up in an excelled reading program in elementary. I was the first of my friends to get a job (13 for babysitting and then 14 working in a kitchen at the corner store). Excelled in math and ended up walking to the high school in eighth grade with a small group of kids from the middle school to take high school algebra. It’s kind of funny reflecting on the excelled classes that I was a part of, both reading and math, and I remember thinking “what a drag”! If only I didn’t take those gifts for granted! Could you imagine?!?! Meh. I probably would have still ended making the choices I did and taking the paths I did. I would have just been REALLY Scooby-doo undercover smart! But I digress.

With this being said, I tried out a lot of different activities, cliques, hobbies, paths, over the years…attempting to find what was right for me. Find myself some would say. I was a jock, trying almost every sport both through the public school system as well as extracurricular my parents would pay for on the side. This included but was not limited to basketball, volleyball, cheerleading, tennis and gymnastics. Basketball ended up being the big winner for me for a bit in middle school and into freshman year of high school, until my will or psyche gave up to the hierarchy of high school girl drama. Remember though, this is my version of history, and it could have been totally different perspectives from the “popular” girl(s) mindset. But in my memory, I recall being targeted and bullied and pushed to feel like I wasn’t good enough. So I legit said “fuck off”, at least that’s how I remember it, and left. This changed my world completely. I felt like a pariah. I went from being occasionally on the outskirts of the cool group where I usually stood kissing ass, laughing too loud at jokes, waiting for my shot at being good enough for them…to just…nothing. And I know that everything at that age feels like the end of the world. But when you sort of disappear, not by choice, it changes you. I went through a fairly dark time mentally around then, which I will dive into more later on in our journey together.

Disclaimer: I was not perfect myself by any means and made fun of people and left people out of activities at that age as well. Kids are cruel by nature or something and it’s ultimately what shapes you into the adults you will eventually be… by either growing out of it or carrying it into your adulthood. Imagining the “bullying” that occurs nowadays terrifies me! If people had Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, etc. back then…geez…things definitely would have ended differently for many.

This was the beginning step of getting to the Andrea I am today. I’m not saying bad things need to happen to a person in order to figure out who you are. But some bad stuff happened to me, again…will get into that more at a later time. However, these “things”, actions, choices, slaps in the face (literal and figurative), slaps to the soul, loss of friends, adultery, divorce, loss of “life”…MADE me. And…I wouldn’t change a thing frankly. That girl or the girls that I thought were my worst enemies taught me valuable lessons. In fact, I have run across a couple of them over the years and I let that blame or what some would call hate go and civility and taking the higher road always prevailed for me. Because I don’t want to be that person. The person that looks in the past and stays there, looking around only thinking about the “what ifs” and always making excuses about why you didn’t get to where you wanted. I know how much I’ve changed over the years and I bet they have too. And me blaming them for breaking my heart or exiling me from the group gave me something that maybe they never got themselves. Picking yourself up off the ground after these trials gave me strength and taught me to endure. There were times where I needed help getting up and thankfully some of those times, I had it. Whether it was a friend, a parent, God, the “me” that was deep down…I got through it. And now, with the experiences I’ve had and the good and bad choices I’ve made, I know that there is a difference between honesty and cruelty. I know that you can be direct, without being a total asshole.

The things that were once so desperately important to me, just aren’t anymore. I don’t mind, and at time prefer, being alone. I have no desire to tell people what they want to hear all the time if it would turn me into a liar. I don’t need to be surrounded by people and be everyone’s favorite. There are a few that I would call dear, and that is the perfect fit for me. And I really don’t talk to them all the time…and as an adult, this is just the reality of it. Work, grocery shopping, relationships, laziness, just life gets in the way with having the kind of friendships we had when we were younger. And after everything in the past 39 years, I know this is not only good enough for me, but “great” enough for me. All that stuff that has happened has made me strong enough to stand here…in this group of a minute few…and take deep and content breaths. And with that, I leave you to enjoy your Friday. Hopeful that you are smiling and can look back and just say thank you to all that helped you get to this point; and if you aren’t there yet…I’m hopeful that you are on your way.