What’s with all that “but”?

What do you see when you look at me? That is truly one of the most loaded questions. Do I really want to know the answer? Are you really going to be honest with me? Am I just fishing for compliments? The biggest problem with all of the questions that I’ve just posed isn’t insecurity by itself, it’s that I’m seeking out reassurance from someone else. Yes…others can definitely be supportive of you and some of your best cheerleaders; but all of what those others may or may not say to you are just words if you don’t believe it.

I would stare at myself in the mirror when I was younger, hell I still do it sometimes, and I notice all the “imperfections” or “opportunities” visually prevalent on my body. And then think about the tasks that I will need to endure to achieve whatever today’s goal will be. Or better yet, the sacrifices I will need to make to be better. And I have to actively remind myself that every part of me tells a wonderful story. The stretch marks on my hips remind me of an unhealthier time that I overcame; the smile lines around my eyes remind me of all the laughs and smiles I’ve had over the years with friends and family; the equal sign scar on my left hand reminds me of the time I fancied myself a carpenter while working with a drill. Why is it so hard to accept what lies before you as your best self? I’m cute, but I’m not beautiful. I’m a runner, but I’m not fast. I’m good at my job, but I’m not the best. I’m fit, but I don’t have a six-pack. But…but…but. What’s with all the “buts”?!?!?! Pun intended. What’s with all the body and personality dysmorphia? Don’t get me wrong though…if you want to improve yourself for you and not because someone else makes you feel like you’re not good enough, I’m fully supportive of your choice. Heck! I work out a lot, because I love how I feel when I complete these accomplishments and it keeps me healthy…and still lets me have tacos once in a while.

Was this televisions doing? Was this every bully’s doing? Was this my parents doing? Was this my grandparents doing? And so on and so on. I was stubborn, and as my mother would say, independent, since birth. One of the first memories she shared with me, was either her brushing my hair or trying to wash it in the bathtub, and me turning around at the age of two and telling her “I do it myself.” So it probably didn’t even register onto her radar that I learned from her behavior and her attitude towards her own body. I grew up watching as my mom, the most beautiful woman I know, constantly judged her own figure, face, hair and everything, and she was always talking about needing to or already being on a diet. This had to come from somewhere right? I know where. It came from her father and kids at school. But where did his attitude and those schoolmates attitudes about weight and body type come from? Why have we always been so “bodycentic”? If you saw my mom when I was growing up and even now, this woman is a knockout by anyone’s standards. She shouldn’t have needed to feel like she had to fit another mold other than her own. I’m pretty sure this is why she consciously reminds me at least twice a week how beautiful I am and how proud she is of me. Even as adult, her words still sink in. And when I hear her talking badly about herself now, I get really protective about her self-esteem and sometimes try to be the one convincing her she is beautiful just the way “she” is. Doesn’t matter what age you are or what gender, there is always an opportunity to reverse the negative conditioning.

Deflecting blame and holding your parents, superiors, frenemies as the responsible parties for everything that is thrown at you is just…irresponsible at this point. My former therapist once told me the most enlightening thing about my parents. And it was that they are people too. Which I always knew obviously. But it wasn’t until I was in my mid-thirties that I really started to think about things from their perspective. And I think this same idea can be applied to anyone really. That bully in school, or at least the one that was a bully to you; the meanest boss at your first job; the siblings you bickered with and perhaps still do. In any situation, you have to work with the hand you’re dealt and grow from that. My grandparents did their best, raising three girls, in an era where you had to put women in their place, and they had to accept that. And my parents did their best. Trying to overcome the struggles of their upbringings along with finding their own style of parenting. Telling me I could do anything or be anything I wanted to be, but still need to earn what you have. But history always finds a way back and comments about weight and physical appearance would always creep back in. It isn’t their fault. They’re only human.

But here’s what’s what. I’m a grown ass woman now, taking responsibility for the choices I make and the opinions I have, even if they are about me. And no one gets to talk to me like that. I don’t get to talk to me like that. There are no more “buts” when it comes to the attributes of (insert your name here). Let’s try it together to start. I am pretty…period. I am a runner…period. I’m fit…period. I am good at my job…period. Now you try it but obviously make it about you. You’ll be surprised how your view on yourself can change when you get rid of all that “but”.