Embracing and Accepting the “Selfish” in “Self-care”

At face value, this statement can be quite unbecoming, but it isn’t exactly a blanket statement that applies to all the time nor to all self-care. But if you are anything like me, or at least how I think I am or hope I am (whatever), I spend a lot of time worrying about and being there for other people. And that is beautiful, selfless, generous and an all-around great way to be. But at the end of the day, you need to think about yourself sometimes too.

To start off, you really need to find something for yourself that brings you all or some of these nouns: joy, happiness, peace, relief. These things can also be experienced with other folks too obviously, but it’s a necessity to find these things for just you. This isn’t true for all, but I can’t base all of the things that bring me any of these “nouns” on others entirely. That weight and pressure to put on someone else has to be too much to bear. I like spending time with me, and it’s healthy to set aside some time for just you. Just because I’m married does that mean I can never do anything alone or even with someone else? In my world? Hell no! That needed reset of quiet, or the pounding of my feet on the pavement or the feeling of singing at the top of my lungs in the car on my way back from a wonderful hike are things I do for me. Self-care is important and, in these instances, selfish goes hand in hand with those moments. And I say embrace that shit! Be selfish because you only have this life, and you shouldn’t have to wait for someone else to finally get on board with these activities or sites you want to see just so you get a chance to experience it.

This philosophy that I have really embraced these last few years and more so over these past six weeks since my Dad passed away, has been my saving grace. If being there for others or going over comments or what I can only assume were unintentional potshots people threw in your direction during the most difficult time in your life is only increasing your pain…take a selfish time out. There is no shame in stepping away from a person, a people, a situation for just a beat to take care of your soul. This doesn’t mean I’m running away from problems or people or even my grief. But I know that there is a difference between the pain I am feeling over the loss of my favorite person and the state of the world versus things that are increasing my suffering. Pain is healthy, normal, to be expected. But suffering is the opposite of that. It’s torture and placing you in a box that you cannot escape. (Sorry about all the metaphors lol). It may or may not be anyone’s fault or at least intentional fault that you are taking a break, but it may be what’s best for you. Because I know it’s what’s best for me at the moment. This selfish time of self-care will clear my mind. It will give me time to phase out the sound of the second half of the sentence that I can hear but people don’t actually say out loud. The subtext in every text. It may not be intentional, but I feel it and hear it and it makes me angry and dissappointed. And both I and you get to feel your feelings. And continuing to replay things that were said or try to think about what I should have said in heated moments, or even thinking if we got to Michigan sooner than we did it could have changed how my Dad’s story played out…or even stopped it from ending period. The could have’s, should have’s and would have’s are just agonizing. And I think my subconscious knew that I had too much going on in the ol’ noggin’ and it somehow flipped the constant grief switch off for large chunks of time this last week and I got a ton done and didn’t have to worry about breaking down during a Zoom call.

And I know that people will have opinions about this because people always will have opinions. It’s what is inherently at the core of us all. And I know that some may have already thought I was selfish lol. What can you do? Can’t please everyone! And in this moment I’m just thinking about my myself, my immediate bubble, my extended family and being there for them and that’s all I can deal with at the moment. Obviously in your own world there is no harm in the selfish in self-care, but don’t be blind to the fact that this may not be true to people outside your bubble. If you can deal with that? Then go for it.